Once Upon a Business – Episode 90
Whom Do You Believe?
Lisa Bloom: A neighbor came to the gate of Hodja Nassrudin’s yard. The Hodja went to meet him outside. Would you mind, hodja? The neighbor asked, can you lend me your donkey today? I have some goods to transport to the next town.
Hi, I’m Lisa Bloom, the story coach, and you’re listening to Once Upon A Business. In each episode, we explore a story, a fairy tale, folk tale or traditional story, so that we can discover the amazing lessons relevant for business and for entrepreneurs.
The Hodja didn’t feel inclined to lend out the animal to that particular man, however, so not to seem rude, he answered, I’m sorry, but I’ve already lent him to somebody else. All of a sudden, the donkey could be heard braying loudly behind the wall of the yard. But Hodja, the neighbor exclaimed, I can hear it behind that wall. Whom do you believe? The hodja replied indignantly. The donkey or your hodja?
Hodja Nassrudin, the wise fool is a character known from Turkey, the Middle east and across the Muslim world, widely loved for the wisdom hidden in his nonsense, the humor in his simplicity. The Hodja’s stories remind us that worlds can be contained in just a few lines or a short anecdote. This story is one of my least favorites and yet it’s worth a mention, if only for the example of how such a simple story can point to such interesting lessons and ideas.
So Hodja doesn’t want to lend out his donkey. I get that. Often, we are asked to do something that we don’t really want to do and even more often find ourselves doing something because it’s expected whether or not we want to. I think this is true particularly for women. Were brought up with the expectation that we will fit in, do the right thing, make sure that others are comfortable, often at the expense of what we desire or need. We have a hard time saying no. I’ve seen this particularly with women business owners. Not being able to say no is very common when you start a business.
Part of this is because when you start out you want to take on every bit of business you get because you need the revenue. And often, you don’t know when or how the next client will come. So you say yes to everyone. My colleague Linda told me that she knew from the very first interaction with her new client that they would be difficult. They were unresponsive and sometimes unreasonable. And when I asked her why she agreed to take them on, she said, well, I need the business and you know, I’m starting out. How can I say no? Months later she complained to me all the time about how hard it was to work with them and she found herself putting in extra time and effort to keep their unreasonable demands at bay.
The other reason we find it hard to say no is that we don’t want to be perceived as being mean or unpleasant. This one drives me crazy. And yet it’s so prevalent. When male leaders and entrepreneurs are clear about what they want and have high performance standards, they’re deemed as strong and as having leadership skills. Women with the same attributes are called unreasonable, moody and demanding. We should all learn to say no, no matter our gender, so that we can stand by what we truly want or need.
Byron Catie says, when you say yes and you mean it, it’s a yes. When you say no because it’s what you need, it’s still a yes. A yes to you. We should always be saying yes. What I don’t like about this story is that Hodja doesn’t have the nerve to say a clear no. So he makes up an excuse and it’s a pretty bad one. Essentially, he lies to cover up his inability to tell the truth about what he wants. And that’s a familiar one too. How often do we tell little white lies to get around our discomfort in owning what we want? It never works out. We’re always found out when we lie.
And in this story not only does he lie, he also turns it against his neighbor, claiming, why would you believe a donkey instead of me, the Hodja? It’s a funny twist, but it also reminds me of the kind of gaslighting you see in some relationships. I think I’m allergic to that. The situation where a person blames you for the very thing they’re doing. Hodja is lying to his neighbor and yet he blames his neighbor for not believing him. Yes, I know it’s funny. And then, again, in real life, gaslighting can sound amusing when really, it’s not.
The last line of the story keeps on resounding in my mind. Who would you believe, the donkey or your Hodja? I think he’s showing that in this story the Hodja is a donkey. He’s an ass. It’s that reminder that when you don’t show up as yourself, when you lie and then turn it on others, you are a bit of an ass. And so the story in that moment becomes a recognition of his bad behavior. It’s the realization that you are responsible for how you behave in relation to yourself and others.
Now that’s an important lesson for business. Whenever I have tried to please others at the expense of what I need myself, I’ve ended up exhausted, resentful, and the furthest away possible from the way I want to show up in my life and in my business. It’s never worth it. Despite competition or being new to your business, no matter the circumstances or the requests you get, you need to be honest and true to yourself and to serve your clients from a place of authenticity and real communication. If not, you will ultimately be seen as an ass, and you’ll feel like one, too.
I’m Lisa Bloom, and you’ve been listening to Once Upon A Business. You can find out more about me at story-coach.com. That’s story-coach.com. Once Upon a Business is part of the Mirasee FM podcast network, which also includes such shows as Just Between Coaches and Making It. To catch the great episodes that are coming up on Once Upon a Business, please like and follow us on Mirasee FM’s YouTube channel or your favorite podcast player. And if you enjoyed the show, please leave us a comment or a starred review. It’s the best way to help us get these ideas to more people.
Thank you. We’ll see you next time.